Hi again,

Hi again,

I have been away for a while. I ventured through what I would term a valley that I never want to travel again. I used to think I understood what hard times were because I lived as a missionary in a place that was not my home- Russia. Well, I was naive in my understanding of passing through what we as believers often term a valley. I am sure that we all have categorized our spiritual experiences as either high or low, in other words a mountain-top or valley experience.

I think that I am just starting to truly heal from that experience, because I am capable of putting pen to paper now. I am able to look back and interpret parts of that journey. Hopefully writing about it will help me to understand and to help someone who may be experiencing rough terrain similar to mine. I can say and fully understand now that my Savior was holding my right hand the entire time even though I sometimes doubted that He was even there. “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (Isaiah 41:13)

My close friends and church family kept telling me my faith was strong, but I knew the real me. I allowed Satan to move in and steal some of my joy (some of my faith) during that part of my walk. Maybe this is where we get the term my faith wavered. My mind was questioning my faith when in fact I was actually getting stronger. I just did not know that at the time.

I cannot say that I waited patiently for the Lord to answer me either like the psalmist wrote in Psalm 40, but I know He heard my cry, along with the cries of my family and friends. They never gave up praying for me, even though I became very weak and tired from the journey. I can joyfully say that today he has brought my feet onto solid ground and continues to establish all of my goings.

Just recently I started teaching in public school again. I was not seeking to start back so soon. I felt like I needed to move into things gradually. I wanted to start by just getting my feet wet a little before jumping all the way in to full time work again. But God had a different plan. Well, I often jump in the deep end anyway. This behavior is validated by the entrepreneur type spirit I have. After all, I belong to the generation cohort “X.” A generation that generally does not mind taking greater risk at starting new things.

Psalm 40 goes onto to say that he puts a new song in our mouth. I wondered how long I was going to sing the “woe is me” song. How long was I going to stay in the dark valley- the pit that I kept plugging in deeper and deeper? Where was the light at the end of this painful tunnel?  Verse 3 states: “…many shall see it, and fear, and trust in the Lord.”

You see I experienced excruciating head pain for over four years. I thought I would never be freed of this pain. Most days my pain level ranged from an 8-10 on the pain scale. I went to see doctor after doctor, but no one knew what was wrong with me. Some even hinted that the pain was “all in my head”. I was given several diagnoses (i.e., migraines, occipital neuralgia, cervicogenic headache, etc.).
 

Blessed is the man that makes the Lord his TRUST and does not turn to lies (verse 4). See, I started to believe a lie. A lie that I would never exit this pain. It was real, yet no doctor could pin point what it was or what caused the pain. So, I started to believe a lie. I lie that I was of no use anymore and that the pain would never go away. I was ready to go on and be with the Lord. But, O Lord, are the wonderful works that You alone have performed! (verse 5) Thank you, Lord, that You are not finished with me yet. 

I ran across a song one day, though not Christian. The lyrics were taken straight from the Scripture however. An Irish rock band, U2, often using biblical imagery in their songs, put one together in 10 minutes entitled “40”. A song they eventually closed many of their concerts with for years. Lyrics were needed for the song, so the lead guitarist opened the Bible to Psalm 40 and they started singing: “I will sing, sing a new song. …How long to sing this song?” I wondered how long was I to sing this song of pain!