For wearing the crown...thank you...

I have head pain daily but to no extent to the prior pain I once felt. I remember one day when I was in the doctor’s office at the Mayo Clinic, I described my pain similar to a crown of thorns. The doctor looked at me interestingly and said that he had never heard it put like that before. I immediately explained that I in no way was comparing my so called crown to the one my Lord wore that day as He suffered and walked to his death on a hill called Golgotha.

The head pain I suffer with is more like pins and needles than throbbing migraine pain. Though I was once diagnosed with migraine, I began to believe it was more like occipital neuralgia-a nerve type pain. Basically I had a sharp discomfort that would radiate through my scalp. The nerves seemed to fire off constantly. I longed to sleep every night in hopes that I would not feel the pain. I remember sitting for hours just staring at the ceiling in my home and asking God “why.”

I know it was not for me to question, but I just could not understand what I had done wrong to deserve such pain. Pain that would never go away. As I sit here writing right now, I have some pain. It is always present; though, now it is so low I never complain. Once you feel like you have been in the miry clay to finally be out on solid ground, your attitude toward live changes. You are happy to wake up every day and enjoy whatever comes your way. You see the world through a different lens. Especially when you know that God has given you another chance to live. A life “free” of pain.

And yet I cannot help but think of that day when my Savior walked to His known death bleeding for you and me. He was mocked and ridiculed in a way that we would never understand. And while on the cross, He asked the Father to “forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Our Savior was so compassionate that even in the moments of His worst pain and suffering, He was merciful.

He stood up against the powers of Hell and the Grave. And he defeated it. He rose again on the third day. When His side was pierced, the sacrificial blood poured out to “wash” our sins away, He cried out: “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) He was so alone during that dark hour. It was a task that he had to bear alone.

I will admit that I often felt like God had forgotten about me during those years of my harsh pain. But how foolish I was to ever think such a thing! When the pain continued day after day and night after night, I soon gave up. I did not want to live anymore. How selfish I was to have even had the thought!

When someone suffers with chronic pain, he/she is susceptible to depression and anxiety. I am in no way making an excuse for my thoughts. And my anxiety story I will save for another day. However, my depression seemed to just take over. I could read the book of Job and feel like I understood the man.

But let me explain. Because of the Lord’s mercy, I am able to tell my story. It is Resurrection Weekend, and I only think of my Savior. The One who died for me. Yes, I once likened my head pain to a piercing crown of thorns, but I in no way understand the pain that my Lord felt that day.

No matter what we go through or how we have to suffer, it will never compare to the sacrifice He made almost 2000 years ago on the cross. He looked down and had pity on the very ones that nailed Him to that tree. And he looked down and had pity on me. Thank you Lord, for wearing the crown. I love you!

Hi again,

Hi again,

I have been away for a while. I ventured through what I would term a valley that I never want to travel again. I used to think I understood what hard times were because I lived as a missionary in a place that was not my home- Russia. Well, I was naive in my understanding of passing through what we as believers often term a valley. I am sure that we all have categorized our spiritual experiences as either high or low, in other words a mountain-top or valley experience.

I think that I am just starting to truly heal from that experience, because I am capable of putting pen to paper now. I am able to look back and interpret parts of that journey. Hopefully writing about it will help me to understand and to help someone who may be experiencing rough terrain similar to mine. I can say and fully understand now that my Savior was holding my right hand the entire time even though I sometimes doubted that He was even there. “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (Isaiah 41:13)

My close friends and church family kept telling me my faith was strong, but I knew the real me. I allowed Satan to move in and steal some of my joy (some of my faith) during that part of my walk. Maybe this is where we get the term my faith wavered. My mind was questioning my faith when in fact I was actually getting stronger. I just did not know that at the time.

I cannot say that I waited patiently for the Lord to answer me either like the psalmist wrote in Psalm 40, but I know He heard my cry, along with the cries of my family and friends. They never gave up praying for me, even though I became very weak and tired from the journey. I can joyfully say that today he has brought my feet onto solid ground and continues to establish all of my goings.

Just recently I started teaching in public school again. I was not seeking to start back so soon. I felt like I needed to move into things gradually. I wanted to start by just getting my feet wet a little before jumping all the way in to full time work again. But God had a different plan. Well, I often jump in the deep end anyway. This behavior is validated by the entrepreneur type spirit I have. After all, I belong to the generation cohort “X.” A generation that generally does not mind taking greater risk at starting new things.

Psalm 40 goes onto to say that he puts a new song in our mouth. I wondered how long I was going to sing the “woe is me” song. How long was I going to stay in the dark valley- the pit that I kept plugging in deeper and deeper? Where was the light at the end of this painful tunnel?  Verse 3 states: “…many shall see it, and fear, and trust in the Lord.”

You see I experienced excruciating head pain for over four years. I thought I would never be freed of this pain. Most days my pain level ranged from an 8-10 on the pain scale. I went to see doctor after doctor, but no one knew what was wrong with me. Some even hinted that the pain was “all in my head”. I was given several diagnoses (i.e., migraines, occipital neuralgia, cervicogenic headache, etc.).
 

Blessed is the man that makes the Lord his TRUST and does not turn to lies (verse 4). See, I started to believe a lie. A lie that I would never exit this pain. It was real, yet no doctor could pin point what it was or what caused the pain. So, I started to believe a lie. I lie that I was of no use anymore and that the pain would never go away. I was ready to go on and be with the Lord. But, O Lord, are the wonderful works that You alone have performed! (verse 5) Thank you, Lord, that You are not finished with me yet. 

I ran across a song one day, though not Christian. The lyrics were taken straight from the Scripture however. An Irish rock band, U2, often using biblical imagery in their songs, put one together in 10 minutes entitled “40”. A song they eventually closed many of their concerts with for years. Lyrics were needed for the song, so the lead guitarist opened the Bible to Psalm 40 and they started singing: “I will sing, sing a new song. …How long to sing this song?” I wondered how long was I to sing this song of pain!