I have hope...

                                                 

Have you ever wondered what God thinks about pain? In Job 2, you can read how God had all of His millions of angels come stand before Him for a regular meeting. The devil came with them, so God talked about Job again. After the devil had been allowed to destroy all of Job’s property and family, now the devil wanted to hurt Job’s body. God let him. Why, God?

 

God is eternal, so I wonder what God thinks about the temporary suffering in our lives. Does He have a bigger purpose for letting us feel pain here and now? God could talk about anything else in His creation, but He seems to talk about certain people He notices and loves. Yet, why would He let those people suffer? What does this reveal about Who God is?

God let His own Son Jesus suffer also on this earth to pay for our sins. Maybe temporary suffering is one of the things God allows to make things work out in a way that He knows will be better. We cannot always understand God, but we can trust that He is bigger than our pain, and He is better than our pain, too.

I am the first to admit that I like things to run smoothly. When they do not, I am a mess. My family teases me that I have border line OCD tendencies. We laugh and joke about it, but in fact it is not far from the truth. I do like things in order. However, the past few years, I have learned to let a few things go. It’s okay. The wisdom comes in knowing the balance. Sometimes things happen in life where you are forced to put total trust and dependence on the Lord. I guess Type A people may find this a little more difficult. When there is no plan, faith must step in the picture.

Today, though, I feel entrapped. What must I do? Call upon the Lord and totally trust. When an animal or fish tries to free itself from a hunter’s net, it actually becomes more entangled. I admit that I have been fighting to free myself from the pain. It is time to stop. My strength cannot hold up any longer. Be still and humbly call upon the Lord and His goodness. He will hear me. I remember His promise that He will take care of the faithful. He will save me. I have hope!

I named him "Anxiety"....

I guess it is time. I put it off long enough. Maybe I wonder what people will think. Well, I realize that it only matters what God thinks. Since Job was normal, I am, too. I remember when the Lord led Buck through the book of Job. I was dealing with chronic, daily pain. Perfect timing. Yet, I did not want to read anything that spoke to pain.                                                    


These are the words that Buck wrote:

“There are Christian counselors out there who have been trained to deal with people who live through pain, sometimes very traumatic pain. In Job’s ongoing conversation with his friends, he outlines what he and they both know about God (Job 12), what Job wants from God (Job 13), and how that compares to his current experience of pain (Job 14). Yet so far, none of their counseling has helped him. In fact, he says ‘men at ease have contempt for misfortune’ (12:5); in other words, he didn’t think they really could understand or help. Job believed in a God Who gives life (12:10), Who is wise (12:13) and powerful (12:14-16), Who reveals truth (12:22) and Who raises up nations and leaders at His will (12:23-25). Yet what Job wants from God is to talk to Him and have Him hear his hurt (13:3). He was sick of his friends’ trite maxims and pat answers for his pain (13:12). Job wanted to trust God (13:15) that this pain would mean something in the end (13:16). He wanted his pain to stop (13:21) and to understand why he was hurting (13:24). But neither Job’s beliefs about God nor his desires for God’s intervention helped him overcome some of the deep effects of chronic pain: troubled days (14:1), loneliness (14:6), thoughts of death (14:10), and depression (14:22). Apparently his friends really weren’t capable of counseling Job. And that makes me pray harder for people God uses to bring emotional/psychological healing to a person who experiences pain.”

I did appreciate all the prayers. It makes sense now, however, that when you are going through a hard time it is hard for someone to understand unless they have experienced something similar. I relate to Job’s thoughts in that he did not think men could really understand or help. Doctor after doctor and loved ones after loved ones wanted to help but nothing we tried or did worked. I seemed to have taken every medication on the market and even went all natural and tried chiropractor help, eastern acupuncture, and oil therapy. I even saw counselors. Just like Job, though, I needed God to tell me why and if the pain would stop. I needed God to listen to my hurt.

Was He going to heal me? I was selfish, and wanted the pain, the suffering, the anxiety, and the accompanied depression to be taken away. But what was His will? I soon fell into depression and anxiety began to take over after about 2 ½ years. I quit work. I did not want to leave home. I knew I should, and Buck did his best to make me go out if nothing but to ride in the car as he shopped for the groceries.

Then after another year the most overwhelming thoughts started to surface. I did not want to live anymore. I sat in bed at night and looked at the ceiling praying for sleep like my loved ones in the house. I could not rest in the pain and it was hard to make it through the day in pain. Was there any relief? I then began to ask the Lord to take me home. I did not really want to leave my family and definitely not pass away before my parents, but I could not see an end or a purpose anymore.

I used to enjoy living but the pain began to talk. The monster in my closet surfaced and I named him "Anxiety". It got to the point that I feared everything even eating. The pain was so horrendous I felt like I could not even breathe. I started reading and studying about anxiety and depression for I wanted out. However, the pain kept talking. Life just got darker and darker. I knew God was there, but I felt like He was not talking to me. Why could I not hear anything?

Doctors would genuinely look at me with such compassion. Because no one knew what was wrong, I wondered if they believed my pain was even real. All test were normal. They wanted to discover what was wrong in order to fix it. But I seemed to keep hitting a brick wall with no answers.

I want to encourage prayer warriors today. Do not stop praying for someone experiencing pain or hurt. Emotional and psychological healing does come. It comes in God’s timing not our timing. Do not give up. No one gave up on me. And for that I am thankful. I want to publicly say thank you to all those prayer warriors for not giving up on me even though I temporarily gave up on the battle.

I am working again. I am eating and sleeping again. Life is great. I was given another chance to live “free of pain”. I know that God answered the prayers of the people that cried out for me. I love you for that. I wanted to say, though, if you are hurting, do not give up. God is still listening. He hears your cry for help. He hears the prayers of others. I know. You see, I am living proof. How can I pray for you? It is not as dark as it seems. Satan is a deceiver. Job and I listened to the wrong voice at times. No one escapes dark valleys or suffering. But guess what? God is really there and He is leading you out. It is time to start climbing the mountain again. How can I help? Do you need someone to listen? Contact me. This is my story.

Contact email: lesburch@gmail.com

For wearing the crown...thank you...

I have head pain daily but to no extent to the prior pain I once felt. I remember one day when I was in the doctor’s office at the Mayo Clinic, I described my pain similar to a crown of thorns. The doctor looked at me interestingly and said that he had never heard it put like that before. I immediately explained that I in no way was comparing my so called crown to the one my Lord wore that day as He suffered and walked to his death on a hill called Golgotha.

The head pain I suffer with is more like pins and needles than throbbing migraine pain. Though I was once diagnosed with migraine, I began to believe it was more like occipital neuralgia-a nerve type pain. Basically I had a sharp discomfort that would radiate through my scalp. The nerves seemed to fire off constantly. I longed to sleep every night in hopes that I would not feel the pain. I remember sitting for hours just staring at the ceiling in my home and asking God “why.”

I know it was not for me to question, but I just could not understand what I had done wrong to deserve such pain. Pain that would never go away. As I sit here writing right now, I have some pain. It is always present; though, now it is so low I never complain. Once you feel like you have been in the miry clay to finally be out on solid ground, your attitude toward live changes. You are happy to wake up every day and enjoy whatever comes your way. You see the world through a different lens. Especially when you know that God has given you another chance to live. A life “free” of pain.

And yet I cannot help but think of that day when my Savior walked to His known death bleeding for you and me. He was mocked and ridiculed in a way that we would never understand. And while on the cross, He asked the Father to “forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Our Savior was so compassionate that even in the moments of His worst pain and suffering, He was merciful.

He stood up against the powers of Hell and the Grave. And he defeated it. He rose again on the third day. When His side was pierced, the sacrificial blood poured out to “wash” our sins away, He cried out: “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) He was so alone during that dark hour. It was a task that he had to bear alone.

I will admit that I often felt like God had forgotten about me during those years of my harsh pain. But how foolish I was to ever think such a thing! When the pain continued day after day and night after night, I soon gave up. I did not want to live anymore. How selfish I was to have even had the thought!

When someone suffers with chronic pain, he/she is susceptible to depression and anxiety. I am in no way making an excuse for my thoughts. And my anxiety story I will save for another day. However, my depression seemed to just take over. I could read the book of Job and feel like I understood the man.

But let me explain. Because of the Lord’s mercy, I am able to tell my story. It is Resurrection Weekend, and I only think of my Savior. The One who died for me. Yes, I once likened my head pain to a piercing crown of thorns, but I in no way understand the pain that my Lord felt that day.

No matter what we go through or how we have to suffer, it will never compare to the sacrifice He made almost 2000 years ago on the cross. He looked down and had pity on the very ones that nailed Him to that tree. And he looked down and had pity on me. Thank you Lord, for wearing the crown. I love you!

Hi again,

Hi again,

I have been away for a while. I ventured through what I would term a valley that I never want to travel again. I used to think I understood what hard times were because I lived as a missionary in a place that was not my home- Russia. Well, I was naive in my understanding of passing through what we as believers often term a valley. I am sure that we all have categorized our spiritual experiences as either high or low, in other words a mountain-top or valley experience.

I think that I am just starting to truly heal from that experience, because I am capable of putting pen to paper now. I am able to look back and interpret parts of that journey. Hopefully writing about it will help me to understand and to help someone who may be experiencing rough terrain similar to mine. I can say and fully understand now that my Savior was holding my right hand the entire time even though I sometimes doubted that He was even there. “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (Isaiah 41:13)

My close friends and church family kept telling me my faith was strong, but I knew the real me. I allowed Satan to move in and steal some of my joy (some of my faith) during that part of my walk. Maybe this is where we get the term my faith wavered. My mind was questioning my faith when in fact I was actually getting stronger. I just did not know that at the time.

I cannot say that I waited patiently for the Lord to answer me either like the psalmist wrote in Psalm 40, but I know He heard my cry, along with the cries of my family and friends. They never gave up praying for me, even though I became very weak and tired from the journey. I can joyfully say that today he has brought my feet onto solid ground and continues to establish all of my goings.

Just recently I started teaching in public school again. I was not seeking to start back so soon. I felt like I needed to move into things gradually. I wanted to start by just getting my feet wet a little before jumping all the way in to full time work again. But God had a different plan. Well, I often jump in the deep end anyway. This behavior is validated by the entrepreneur type spirit I have. After all, I belong to the generation cohort “X.” A generation that generally does not mind taking greater risk at starting new things.

Psalm 40 goes onto to say that he puts a new song in our mouth. I wondered how long I was going to sing the “woe is me” song. How long was I going to stay in the dark valley- the pit that I kept plugging in deeper and deeper? Where was the light at the end of this painful tunnel?  Verse 3 states: “…many shall see it, and fear, and trust in the Lord.”

You see I experienced excruciating head pain for over four years. I thought I would never be freed of this pain. Most days my pain level ranged from an 8-10 on the pain scale. I went to see doctor after doctor, but no one knew what was wrong with me. Some even hinted that the pain was “all in my head”. I was given several diagnoses (i.e., migraines, occipital neuralgia, cervicogenic headache, etc.).
 

Blessed is the man that makes the Lord his TRUST and does not turn to lies (verse 4). See, I started to believe a lie. A lie that I would never exit this pain. It was real, yet no doctor could pin point what it was or what caused the pain. So, I started to believe a lie. I lie that I was of no use anymore and that the pain would never go away. I was ready to go on and be with the Lord. But, O Lord, are the wonderful works that You alone have performed! (verse 5) Thank you, Lord, that You are not finished with me yet. 

I ran across a song one day, though not Christian. The lyrics were taken straight from the Scripture however. An Irish rock band, U2, often using biblical imagery in their songs, put one together in 10 minutes entitled “40”. A song they eventually closed many of their concerts with for years. Lyrics were needed for the song, so the lead guitarist opened the Bible to Psalm 40 and they started singing: “I will sing, sing a new song. …How long to sing this song?” I wondered how long was I to sing this song of pain!