a new way

 

We used to sing a song, “Father Abraham had many sons.” But not all of Abraham’s sons were children of Promise, God’s chosen. One of Abraham’s sons through one of his wives was Shuah (Gen 25:2), and one of his descendants was Bildad, a friend of Job. Bildad’s problem was that he limited God based on his tradition (Job 8:8). Bildad had two points for Job’s pain: 1) History teaches that God ONLY lets pain come to punish sins (8:3-4), and 2) History teaches that God ALWAYS gives relief to anyone who prays for it (8:5-6). The problem with defining God by history is that God is bigger than that and sometimes He does things in a new way (Is 43:19). God doesn’t ONLY let pain come as a result of sinful actions. And God doesn’t ALWAYS answer our prayers for pain relief in the way we want. Not all of Abraham’s sons knew God the way Job was coming to know Him.

 God did not answer my pain problem in the way I wanted. I am still trying to figure it out. My journey seemed to take a turn I was not expecting. I am coming to know God in a new way.

 Having been on so many types of medicine, I had withdrawals systems like most addicts. Even though my experience was one that was not the normal street drug issue. I still experienced some of the same detoxing symptoms (i.e., shivers, shakes, dry mouth, fatigue, nausea, suicidal thoughts, etc.)

 My continued traumatic experience was one that was indirectly ordered by doctors’ hands-prescriptions. Am I blaming the doctors? No, but I will say this. You must pray and watch before you choose to go a route that may not be the best for you.

 My daughter is a Physician’s Assistant. I highly regard the medical field. In my situation, though, the doctors could not find anything wrong. Therefore, my pain became questionable. Was the pain real? I could see this question form in some doctor’s eyes. I knew it was real and Buck did. But, it had gotten to the point that they knew that nothing could be done for me. So, my only next steps in the field of medicine were seeing a doctor of psychiatry and doctors of pain management. Buck had warned me of this. Buck always knows. My best friend!

I soon made the conclusion that my pain was a result of nerves. No physical issues were evident. All my tests were normal. I was normal.

 There is a fine line from where pain stems. Is it real? Yes. However, nerve pain is not physical. True. I did not have an accident that caused a brake or wound. But, my issue was painful. Nerve pain. I knew my pain was legitimate; however, it was difficult for me to explain. Piercing, cutting, constant burning on the top and back of my head!

 What led to me trying new medications, I believe led me to more pain. We believe that since the medicine was not helping my pain, it started to mask it. My darling, Buck, looked at me after four years of “trying” new prescriptions and said, “No more. Not my wife.” I was given certain types of medications that became addictive in nature.

I remember the day he begged me. He said, “Leslie, nothing is working. Come off everything. If nothing works, why take it? I know it will be hard, but God will bless it. He will heal you. You do not need to be addicted to anything. God will not honor this. It does not work anyway. Let’s try some natural things and see what works.”

 I told him, “God is not going to heal me. He has not in four years, and He does not plan on it now.” Buck held to his statement. And out of complete desperation, I said, “Okay.”

I am so glad I submitted. I was limiting God just like Bildad. I never thought my pain was a result of sin. I knew God could heal me. I was just so tired. I was giving up. The faith of my family and friends held me together though.

 The problem with defining God by history is that God is bigger than that and sometimes He does things in a new way (Is 43:19). He decided to do things in a new way with me. Thank God that He spared my life! He can spare yours. I am living proof.

Prayer: God help me. I believe!

 -I Named Him Anxiety, Buck and Leslie Burch

do not forget about us

 

do not forget about us

 

Sometimes it’s hard to talk to a person who is hurting really badly. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to what a hurting person says. Job was angry with his friends for not being able to comfort him (Job 6-7). He called them “undependable” (6:15) and “of no help” (6:21); that’s hard to hear when you’re trying to cheer somebody up.

 

This topic points to an area many people in pain do not like to discuss. I looked to Buck as my “savior”. I heard doctors say they did not know what was wrong with me. All my tests were coming back negative. Yet, Buck was my best friend and a strategist by nature, and I just knew he was going to solve my problem. Looking back, I did not treat him fairly. Deep down I felt that if Buck could not figure it out, then I was ruined. I never verbally said that he was “undependable”. However, I wonder if I did not wrestle with the thought subconsciously.

 

We have actually thought through some of these feelings since my healing.

 

But Job’s inner fight was with God, and he questioned God’s purpose for allowing him to have the physical and emotional pain he felt. His pain was making him lose his fear of God (6:14). He describes his body’s sores (7:5) and his loss of hope (7:7). At one point Job asked God to go ahead and kill him (6:8-9). Since God created your life, is it His right to decide when you will die? Does God have the right to make you a “target” to punish (7:20)? Can God decide what He will forgive and not forgive (7:21)? What a hurting person sometimes questions about God reveals where his real theology is. But God is bigger than our questions and better than any words our pain wants to say.

 

All along I knew that my inner fight was my questioning God, but it just seemed easier to handle the stress when I had someone to depend on for my “salvation”. I cried in anguish to God. I was at my weakest point- point of despair. I felt like Judah did in Jerimiah 14: 1-9. There was a drought in their land, and they cried in anguish “leave us not” because the city wells, grounds and fields were barren and dry (verse 9b). I can relate to their hopelessness. I pleaded for God to hear me in relation to my healing. But for a long time, all I heard was silence. I remember lying on the floor and looking at the ceiling for hours praying for a moment of relief, praying for a miracle, or just praying for an answer. Honestly, I wanted the doctors to say something was wrong, so we could start to fix the problem. Time after time and visit after visit, I heard the same silence.

 

So, there was a time that I even asked God to take me. Thinking back now, I see how selfish that was for me to even question God. God knew what He was allowing in my life. I have not yet figured it all out, but I know He has given me another chance.

 

My prayers then turned in the form of pleas admitting my sin. Have you thought about praying like this- at the point of desperation- and begging God to hear you?

 

Prayer: Our sins show our guilt, Lord. Please help me. I have backslidden immensely; my sins have offended You. You are my only hope in this time of ultimate despair. You seem as a stranger to me right now, like a person that passes by me unknown. It is as if You are a soldier that has been approached unaware, unarmed and stunned. However, I know that You are right here with me. I know this, Lord. Others may think the opposite. I know that I am Yours. Please do not forget about me (Jeremiah 14:7-9)!!!! 

-"I named him Anxiety." by Buck and Leslie Burch